"MY HUSBAND SAYS HE CAN'T CARRY ON THE PRETENCE"
My husband and I have been
married for over thirty years and we have lived in
France for over twenty-five years. We are both French
speakers and fully integrated in the French way of life.
Five years ago, we bought a house which needed totally
restoring. We bought it as a home for our retirement, it
was decided (mutually) that I would live part of the
time in this house to control the work, make new friends
and make a start towards this new life and I would visit
him frequently. It seemed an ideal solution and I would
have the best of both worlds. Things have not worked out
like that. My husband found the solitude difficult at
first, and then found that he quite liked living alone,
he has found that now my presence is annoying. He has
now admitted that for most of the years we were
together, he didn't love me, and that he wanted to leave
me and the children. He talks about suffering from bouts
of depression, but they only come on when I'm around. He
suffers from physical pains, but again, they only come
on when I'm around. He says he doesn't want to hurt me
but is unable to carry on the pretence of being a happy
couple.
He wants to get a job in another country (I am not
included in this project) and hopes that the last few
years of his working life give him job satisfaction
(this seems to be a major priority for him).
During these thirty years of marriage, I had no idea
that my husband was unhappy. He is a difficult man to
live with, as his career has taken up a lot of space in
our marriage. I can now see that he may have been using
his obsessive working as a cover for avoiding family
life.
He doesn't talk readily to me, saying that I'm a poor
listener and keep interrupting. His inability to
communicate with me is clearly a major problem, although
he has says that he has found female friends with whom
he loves to talk (but I doubt that he is discussing
emotional issues). The only indication that something
may have been wrong in our couple, has been his
inability to help me through moments of emotional
crisis. He has always turned his back and allowed me to
deal with the situation. I harbour great resentment over
this. Right now, I am suffering terribly. He is able to
offer me a silent hug, many apologies but no hope. My
husband is able to block out memories (of his childhood
he remembers very little). He almost (but not quite)
abandoned his parents, his sisters communicate with him
(rather than the other way around). If he goes to work
in another country, he will block me out. I still love
him and cannot believe that he is doing this to me. He
says he feels terrible about this (but only when I am
around).
Should I let him go, knowing that he might get the job
satisfaction he wants so badly, but knowing that he will
probably erase my memory? Should I try for counselling
when one partner has been unhappy for so many years?
What do I do in a house that was bought for a joint
future, that still needs a massive amount of work and in
which he seems to have lost interest?
ANSWERS
AUDIO for partially sighted |