"MY HUSBAND HAS MET AN OLD FLAME ON THE INTERNET"
WHAT DO THE PUBLIC THINK? |
"First
of all, I can truly understand how upset and
confused you must be because, to a certain
extent, I have been there before you, so I
speak from personal experience. My journey
began some 3 years ago, somewhere along the
way someone said to me that there was no
better way of predicting the future, than
examining the past. So I would ask the
question, was your husband married before?
How did he leave the relationship(s)? How
does he treat his children? What about his
own brothers and sisters? His parents? You
can expect to receive the same treatment
that they received. I now recognise that my
husband walks away from situations he finds
undesirable, although he fulfils his
financial engagements. He behaved like this
towards his parents and his sisters and he
is now behaving in exactly the same way
towards me. I hope this helps." From C. |
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I can
understand how difficult, painful, and possibly
humiliating you are finding your husbands’ Internet
relationship with a past love. I think from what you say
he doesn’t himself understand what is going on for him
either but is overwhelmed by his feelings.
You say that you have been married for 14 years but in
France for only three of those. You don’t say much about
the life you left behind. Was coming to live in France a
bit of a fantasy for you both? It sounds as if you have
the possibility of a life-style that many people would
dream of; friends, a nice house and the chance to
explore Europe in your motor home. But could your
husband be feeling home sick? Maybe he misses his roots,
his friends, ex-colleagues and family in the UK. It
could be that he is suffering from depression. I think
it is important for you to continue to try and draw your
husband out and for you to try to understand what may
not seem entirely rational feelings on his part.
I wonder when you started to drift apart. You say that
you attack him verbally. I wonder how recent this is and
what it is about? Could it be that you have been more
content with your life here in France than he has been?
Has he given you any idea what it is that frightens him
about the future with you?
Be more than patient. There is much you need to try to
ask your husband about. Listen to what he has to say and
think about his answers. Don’t leap in and try to
counter what he says or make things better. Maybe if you
can keep a sensitive dialogue alive, hold back on your
anger but tell him how you feel, you can work through
this situation together. If you can show understanding
as well as your hurt, he may come to appreciate the real
day-to-day love that has been and is between you, which
involves understanding each other, tolerance and
compromise, and be able to let go of the romantic
fantasy love that he is full of at present.
You are suggesting that you are intending to develop
your own separate life and this sounds like a good idea.
Don’t cut him out but show him that you can stand up for
yourself, that you would like to be together, but that
you can survive apart.
I wonder too whether it might be good to find some
counselling help, either separately or together. You
might be able to find a counsellor on this website or on
the overseas section on the British Association for
Counselling and Psychotherapy website, http://www.bacp.co.uk/ |
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"doesn't know what he
wants. He says he need time and space...." I've
highlighted those words as that is what is coming
through to me from your email,& I imagine that this
change in your husband's attitude towards you must be
very distressing & frustrating indeed, in particular if
he doesn't know what he wants. It seems clear that you
would like to stay in your marriage, & are willing to
wait a while for him to make some kind of decision. I
can also see that you must feel the need to carry on
with some kind of 'normality' despite this terrible
heartache, as it least it is a way of trying to continue
some kind of social life while you both struggle with
this unexpected change to your lives.
However, it might be that your husband is feeling very
confused, has torn loyalties,& probably doesn't want to
talk honestly for fear of hurting your feelings. It
could be useful to talk through what is happening to
your marriage with a relationship counsellor, but I know
that they aren't so easy to find in France-it might be
worth looking to see if there is anyone nearby on the
map on
www.counsellinginfrance.com.
It is often difficult for couples to talk about
intimate feelings when problems arise, but a neutral
couples counsellor might enable you to discover what the
thought process was behind your husband finding an old
girlfriend on the internet. Was he disappointed in any
way with your comfortable life in France, for
example-sometimes getting older can make people get
restless, search for lost dreams, & relive some old
romantic associations which of course is relatively easy
through various sites available these days. I can see
that you must be feeling bewildered at the thought of a
45 year old romance being re-ignited & I wonder, like
you, what the reality might be if they meet up face to
face-but the important thing for you is to find out what
has happened to your previously good relationship, & it
would be helpful if your husband could try to tell you
without feeling criticised or blamed in the process.
I know that you are feeling very hurt & bewildered, but
I wonder if you could choose a quiet moment when you are
feeling calm & ask if he could try to explain how he is
feeling for say just 10 minutes-without being
interrupted by you in any way. Putting a time boundary
in a reasonable, friendly tone of voice might help him
to start to open up a bit? This is the kind of action a
counsellor might ask you both to do in a neutral,
non-judgemental atmosphere, & it often helps someone to
open up more if they feel that it is a genuine desire to
understand rather than getting angry & upset etc-however
understandable that reaction might be in your current
circumstances.
I'm only suggesting that as a start as it looks like you
have both reached a complete block in communication, &
it might just help you to start talking to each other
again. It often helps to have someone, who is outside
your social circle, listen to your concerns & worries.
If you don't have any outlet with close friends or
family, then your thoughts can just whirl around your
head without getting anywhere. I hope it has helped to
share your problem now, & that you can find a way of
giving your husband the time & space he has asked for
without feeling so isolated & lonely yourself-bon
courage. |
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I
am wondering if there were problems in your relationship
before this. You state that you were almost always
together. What has happened means that your husband now
has a part of his life that he is not sharing with you.
He says he needs time and space and it makes me wonder
if he felt somewhat claustrophobic in the relationship.
You also state that it is now that you are going to move
on with your life but what were you doing before? Were
you relying totally on your husband to give a meaning to
your life? Maybe you could address these issues with
him. It is a difficult situation and you are
understandably angry but, as you can see, attacking your
husband will not resolve the situation. It may be worth
asking him how he feels and felt about his relationship
with you. As you say, it may be that he is in love with
a fantasy but what is going on that he is turning away
from you and engaging with the other person? You state
that you said to your husband that the tears are over
but you say that you are in despair. I wonder if about
the communication between you and your husband. A
marriage guidance counsellor or therapist may make it
easier for each of you to express how you are feeling to
each other.
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