"MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR"
|
Thank you for
contacting us and for your question: should I confront
him or leave it to run its course? These decisions are
always very difficult whichever one you decide to make.
Before you do I would suggest a few things and you may
have already done them.
Has there ever been any history of this happening before
in your marriage and before you found the text messages,
how did you feel about your marriage? How is your
husband’s behaviour towards you now – are there any
changes? Sometimes when our feelings are churning it is
very difficult to step outside of the situation. When
big changes take place in our lives we can all be
susceptible to flattery and self-worth issues. Are you
definitely sure he is having an affair as such? For
example were the text messages explicit and were they
from your husband? Can you be certain her husband is
telling you the truth?
I have a sense that when you say “… leave it to run its
course?” that you are not thinking of leaving your
marriage. I would take time to reflect on your marriage
as a whole, to make a list of your husband’s qualities,
what you give to each other, have you been giving each
other enough attention? Big moves (before and after) and
bringing up teenage children can sometimes overtake
nurturing a relationship. Intellectually we know this
but everyday life can get in the way. I would also
weigh carefully, knowing your husband over the years,
how he would react if you confronted him and what the
implications would be. If it felt helpful to get another
perspective, you could talk to a trusted relative or
friend about this.
Perhaps this is a wake up call for you both to talk
about your relationship in a gentle way without
referring to anything else. You have been patient this
far, however difficult it has been, and it feels
worthwhile to take your decisions slowly. |
|
Hello, I'm
sorry to hear about your dilemma about whether to
confront your husband about his affair or to 'let
sleeping dogs lie'? I rather suspect that the latter
might be difficult to do if the other woman's husband
has felt compelled to tell you - I wonder if he is
expecting you to take this further now you know?
I guess the main thing is to ask how you really feel
about this inside - are you deeply hurt or just worried
about the consequences of opening up a can of worms? Has
this happened before & if so, how did you deal with it
previously I wonder? If this is the first time this has
happened & you are scared to talk about it with your
husband then I'd like to know a bit more about your
relationship if possible?
The sort of
questions I'd be asking, which you could indeed ask
yourself, would be about how close you've been in the
past, has the move to France changed the dynamics
between you, is there a change of job involved for
example which has left you &/or your husband feeling
isolated or bored? There are many reasons for affairs to
start, & very often it is a lack of real understanding &
good communication between partners that leads to one or
both looking elsewhere for attention. Its hard to deal
with a different country, culture & language & I expect
you've been trying hard to get your children integrated
into a new way of life as well, so maybe it has taken
priority over your marital relationship? Perhaps you
could take the opportunity to find a quiet time when
you're alone to tell your husband what you have been
told/found out & ask why, explain your own hurt feelings
& find out what is behind his deceitful actions?
I know it is
hard to do when you might be feeling angry, hurt &
worried but perhaps it could be a more constructive way
forward than keeping it all to yourself. I wish
you well & hope that the above ideas will help - bon
courage! |
|
Therapist C is
currently away
|
|