|IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT
- You are not to blame:
You are not responsible for the violence. Your abuser has choices about
other ways to react such as walking away until he or she is calmer.
- You can't change your abusers
behaviour: You'll probably have already noticed that it doesn't
make much difference what you do to pacify him/her, he or she is violent
anyway. The only way for your abuser to change is for them to realise they
have a problem and to seek help for the abusive behaviour.
- Ignoring violence is
dangerous: Violence rarely happens only once. In fact it's much
more usual for the violence to get more serious the longer it goes on.
Despite their dominating ways, many perpetrators appear to go to pieces
after an assault or if their partners threaten to leave them. They can be
very remorseful and promise to stop the violence, give up drinking etc.
Partners sometimes feel sorry for them and agree to stay but unfortunately,
experience shows that improvements in behaviour are short-lived and the
violence occurs again. Sadly, for some, what began as a slap or a punch,
ends in murder.
- Break the silence - don't
remain isolated: You have nothing to be ashamed of. Don't keep the
violence a secret. Get help from someone you trust or you can contact one of
the many organisations. You can phone them even if you just want to talk.
You don't actually have to do anything. The more isolated you are, the
harder it becomes to take action. Don't suffer alone, there's lots of help
- There is life after an
Although 'starting over' may seem very difficult, there are many benefits.
Many men and women start new and rewarding lives and discover they enjoy
living without a partner. You can start new and loving relationships which
you could never have believed was possible when you were with your violent
partner. Almost all speak of the joy of discovering that the things the
abusers told them i.e. 'you're stupid / ugly / useless / no-one else
would have you / you'll never make it on your own, etc.' were not true.