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"I AM SERIOUSLY OVERWEIGHT AND MY HUSBAND IS
DOWNLOADING PORN"
I have several predicaments,
all interlinked:
1. I have been stuck in a bad place with my weight ever
since my two kids were born 6 and 7 years ago. Whilst I
was never skinny, I managed my weight well enough with
frequent returns to Weight Watchers. My husband has
never seen me thin (neither have I). I put myself
through weight loss surgery 3 years ago, which has been
largely unsuccessful since I am now heavier than I was
before the surgery. The gastric band makes my life
unpleasant at times and my husband and mother think I
should have it removed so that I can at least eat
normally again (ie: meat, fruit and vegetables, which
don't go down well at the moment unless cooked to mush).
I'm inclined to keep it just in case one day I might be
in the right frame of mind to make it work. I hate being
fat, don't like the way I look, can't find clothes to
fit and shy away from social situations because of it,
which brings me to the second predicament.
2. My self-esteem is low
at the best of times, but right now, very low. I am
well-educated, bilingual with French, have lived, worked
and studied all over the world, have always walked into
good jobs easily, but continue to believe I'm faking it.
I currently hold a management-level job in a large
French company. I don't feel good enough for the job and
always think that if I was thinner, I'd do better and be
taken more seriously in my professional environment.
That said, even when I was at my thinnest ever, I had
similar feelings. My low self-esteem makes me not very
pleasant to be around sometimes. I'm lethargic, easily
irritable, highly sensitive.
3. My husband of many
years loves me, but lately, he tells me that he's not so
sure any more. He's a really decent human being (which
is one of the reasons I chose to marry him) but some
years into our marriage, he started to get into porn on
the Internet. This came to light when I was pregnant
with our first child, and coincidentally, at the same
time, we discovered that my family-man, strong moral
values father had been cheating on my mother for over 30
years with a string of affairs to his name. I was
completely devastated when all of this came out, and was
very depressed throughout the pregnancy and after. To
this day I still suffer bouts of depression. I have
never spoken to anyone about it before as I have always
considered that I'm strong enough to deal with my
problems on my own. My husband was contrite and stopped
trawling the porn sites. I didn't trust anything he did
for a long time after that, but had finally put it
behind me when last week I discovered that he has been
downloading pictures of naked women again for over a
year and had built up a huge collection, hidden on our
shared computer. Again I am angry and hurt, also by the
realisation that this must have started around the same
time he stopped having sex with me. When confronted, he
immediately deleted his collection again. I can't work
out whether I'm being too hard on him because this is
something all "normal" men will do or whether I am right
to expect him to meet the moral standards I always
thought he had. I think men who look at porn are sleaze
bags. I was brought up in a puritanical environment
(despite later discovering that that was a facade for my
father). I hate what this is doing to my mind: I feel a
mixture of attraction and repulsion towards the porn in
my own mind, feel totally worthless and ashamed of my
body because of the comparisons I make, and I also can't
help thinking that if my husband can get into porn like
this, he could also be cheating on me. He goes away on
business trips a few times a year.... I thought we
shared certain values when we got married (I was my
husband's first and only girlfriend), but I feel like
it's all starting to slip away now. Are my expectations
for my marriage and my husband too high? Do I need to
get over my moral standards and insecurities and let him
do as he likes? How can I get out of the funk I am in
(besides the obvious - lose the weight)? I am past 40
now and weight has been an issue since I was 5. I don't
even go to the doctor anymore because I'm sick of being
told off about my weight. It's been killing my spirit
for years but I seem powerless to do anything about it.
I also wonder how different things would really be for
me if I was thinner.
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"I AM DEPRESSED AND ISOLATED IN FRANCE - SHOULD I
GO BACK?" My
problem is that I came to France to join my partner. I
found making this decision very hard and scary, giving
up friends and family and job etc. I secured a
sabbatical until the end of this year. I now have to
make a decision about going back or giving my job up
completely. Work wants to know now and I am keeping them
waiting for my reply, which puts a lot of pressure on.
Things haven't gone as well as planned here. I feel
isolated as we don't live in town but about 50 mins
drive away. Some things are good, have made some friends
and joined a choir but have not managed to get work. My
partner and I clash a lot and although we've had lovely
times together, the majority of the time has been
difficult. I have had periods of depression and have not
done very much in the house which is being renovated. I
have also struggled with learning French, partly lack of
motivation and partly because I am so isolated I only
talk to people on a regular basis to shop. Some time we
feel as if we are getting somewhere and things seem more
hopeful, I want to move to town and this has been
considered seriously by my partner, even though he
doesn't really want this. But we have got to a point of
arguing badly and viciously and it's hard to recover. He
blames me for not trying hard enough here. I can go back
to my job...but I feel panicky at the thought of this,
facing everyone and also because I had already become
very sick of things with it. I do miss, however my
independent salary and my family and friend and own home
in England. I feel if I go back it will be the end of my
relationship. I am in a bad state with all this and feel
the pressure is very bad. I am having panic attacks and
feel very depressed. I also feel I am not being
supported in making the decision in a calm way because
my partner and I just argue and he says he now wants me
to go back to England. Then he will say he doesn't and I
feel he is being very careless with my life because I
could make the decision and then he changes. Previously
I have always trusted him in everything and he has
previously been supportive. I think my depression has
got to him. I am not always depressed but am often
depressed here.
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"HOW CAN I DEAL WITH MY DYING, ABUSIVE SISTER?"
My non-smoking sister was diagnosed with Stage IV
Lung Cancer three weeks after we arrived in France. Lung
cancer is common in people who are type "C"
personalities who want to please abusive people. My
mother was an abusive person who dominated my sister's
life in her last year. I gently tried to get her to go to
get counselling, but she was not interested. She had so
much bitterness toward my mother that I did not think it
was good for her, but she seemed unable to protect
herself or to stop trying harder to please. Even before
she found out about her lung cancer, she began to be
abusive toward me even as she kept calling and insisting
I was her best friend. She told me that our friendship
was over if we came to France, that she "didn't want a
husband in Thailand." She was furious with me for
ignoring her when she said she was too busy to see me
over Mother's Day, even after I told her I was coming to
see our mother and didn't even care if I saw her. She
told me she doesn't trust me to honour her wishes
relative to the the disposal of our mother's ashes and
to contacting her friends. She wanted more than two
emails or calls a week then she complained when we did
not call or write.
Now, she has invited us back to her house for Christmas,
paid our way from her frequent flyer points and started
asking me about lodging, getting bikes and car
arrangements. She mentioned she would like help with the
gardening. She asked us to stay for a month, a week in
her town at the beginning and three days at the end,
hoping that it was clear that she doesn't want us in
town the rest of the time. I wrote back with some ideas
on how we might spend those days together and she wrote
a cold note that how we spent our time was our business.
We should make our own plans and if she felt like it she
would join us.
She is terrified of dying. In addition, I believe that
she really loves/hates me because we came to France. I
think that the terrific anger she has toward my mother
is now aimed at me. She is inconsistent and abusive. One
time, when I told her I had to get off the phone, that I
couldn't take any more abuse about her paranoia that I
was hiding our will from her, she asked me what was
really bothering me that I was so sensitive. My back
went out this week due to this stress. I want to support
her. I have compassion for her terror of dying. I have
been spending three hours a day helping her choose
treatments. But I am at the end of my ability to cope
with my own grief, her neediness and her abuse. It would
be easier if her abuse were consistent, but it feels as
if my very existence sparks it.
ANSWERS |
"WHY HAS MY WIFE LOST HER APPETITE FOR SEX WITH
ME?"
Hello, I am a 50 yr old male, married to a 49 yr
old. We have two young girls and we have been living in
France for the past 5 years. For the past 7-10 years I
have been suffering from erectile dysfunction, and I
have been using Viagra for some time now.
I would say that I have a normal sex drive. We would
normally make love 2-3 times a month which is never
enough for me, so I resort to quite a lot of
masturbation, sometimes every day.
The current dilemma is that my wife is approaching the
menopause, and she says that she has lost her appetite
for sex, although she does masturbate me when I ask, she
will also perform oral sex and allow me to penetrate
her. But I am the one who has to ask, she does not
suggest or offer it. But I am not allowed to touch her
sexual parts at all, even her nipples are out of bounds,
so it is almost like visiting a prostitute, she is
providing a service, but it is all one way, which makes
me feel bad and not valued. There is also very little
warmth and affection from her, if we kiss outside the
bedroom, it must only be just lips or on the cheek.
We cannot seem to talk about the problem without
arguing, but I am at the end of my tether and I have no
one I can turn to. Some years ago we had counselling
from a Relate counsellor for marital problems, this did
seem to help.
Am I just being selfish? I did suggest that she talked
to her Doctor as it might be due to the hormonal
imbalance often linked with the menopause, but she
refused to entertain this as HRT has side effects.
Language is not a problem for her as she is fluent in
French. I do not know where to turn.
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"I'M CONFUSED ABOUT MY SEXUALITY AFTER SLEEPING
WITH A NEIGHBOUR"
Hello, please can you give me some advice as I don’t
know where to turn. I came across your website while I
was looking for counselling websites online. I used to
be bisexual when I was a teenager but grew out of it
when I was about 17. I met my husband while I was at
university and we have two kids of 17 and 15. I’m going
to be 50 this year. The problem is that I got very drunk
at a party given by one of my neighbours who is
separated from her husband and when everyone had gone,
we ended up going to bed together. She was really
embarrassed the next morning and now she is avoiding me
but it has made me realise what I’ve been missing all
these years as sex with my husband is so boring by
comparison. I feel like my body has come alive again and
that I need to rethink my whole life and sexuality. But
my kids would be destroyed by it and my husband didn’t
ever know about my past. I don’t know what to do whether
to be true to myself or stick with my family. I can’t
leave and take the kids as my husband would never let it
happen and the kids would probably decide to stay with
their father if they knew I’d had sex with a woman and
they are really happy in their school. Please help me
sort this mess out because I have to do something soon.
Also, I’m worried the neighbour will tell someone else
and he might find out anyway.
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"WHY IS MY DAUGHTER TREATING ME LIKE THIS?"
I have just listened to Philip Hodson on the Jeremy Vine
show (Radio 2). A caller was saying how her depressed
daughter no longer has contact with her family and Mr
Hodson said how people often complain of this. This is
new to me! My own 20 year old daughter has refused all
contact with me for the last 6 months and it's killing
me.
History: I left her father for someone else (taking her
with me) when she was 7 years old. I never spoke ill of
her father and I made sure she saw him regularly, until
she was about 14 when she started to make the decision
for herself not to go so often, “because he has no
interest in me” (he had 3 step children with his new
wife). After about 7 years of the relationship not
working and both my parents dying within 6 months of
each other, I moved into a flat with my daughter. Apart
from my loneliness and depression, we were actually very
happy and the best of friends. We also worked together
as dance teachers. We were extremely close.
Just before her A levels, I met a younger man and he
moved in with us. They got on ok, but he has a short
fuse and they had disagreements over her religion.
Eventually we all had a big upset over a mutual friend.
The next day, we arrived home to find my daughter’s room
emptied and a note to say she had gone. She was staying
with grandparents (who, over the years, she had had
little contact with). Things were a little strained
after that. As a result, knowing she was about to start
university, my boyfriend and I decided to move to
France. We saw her once on a short trip to England and
she seemed ok. But even the rare texts and phone calls
had become very stilted.
I sent a long email last summer asking her exactly what
was wrong. She replied that she found it impossible to
love me any more, that she was having counselling and
that she had decided it was best to stop contact until
she felt ready to resume. I respected her decision but
not realising it would go on so long. I sent the
occasional email/text saying I was here for her and love
and miss her, but she subsequently blocked me from her
email and phone. She also has a new address which
neither she nor her father will give me. She speaks
occasionally to my brother and has told him to tell me
to stop contacting her. I know that she is now
conducting a really full-on relationship with my
ex-husband and his family. It is literally just me, the
one who gave her everything growing up. I really want to
kill myself some days. Please help - is this a normal
aspect of counselling and what on earth can I do? Will
it harm her if I force contact?
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"I'M LOOKING FOR AN ANSWER TO MY WEIGHT PROBLEM"
Please could you give me
some advice. I live in south-western France and moved
here in 1997. I have one child who goes to school
locally and another who has left home and works in
Paris. I have always considered myself to be obese and
have tried hard to find a way to lose weight, not just
because my husband hates me being fat but because I am
tired of being out of breath and looking awful in
clothes. Please don’t tell me just to start eating
sensibly as I’ve tried that and I just don’t have the
willpower. If I was still in England, I’d probably go to
Weight-Watchers or Slimming World but there is nothing
here and my French isn’t good enough to join a French
club. I am starting to look on the Internet for some
appetite-stopping drugs and wondered if you could advise
me if this is a good way to lose weight? I feel that if
I can’t lose weight that way, I’m going to have to look
into surgery as my life is passing me by without any
hope of me feeling better.
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"MY HUSBAND SAYS HE CAN'T CARRY ON THE PRETENCE"
My husband and I have been
married for over thirty years and we have lived in
France for over twenty-five years. We are both French
speakers and fully integrated in the French way of life.
Five years ago, we bought a house which needed totally
restoring. We bought it as a home for our retirement, it
was decided (mutually) that I would live part of the
time in this house to control the work, make new friends
and make a start towards this new life and I would visit
him frequently. It seemed an ideal solution and I would
have the best of both worlds. Things have not worked out
like that. My husband found the solitude difficult at
first, and then found that he quite liked living alone,
he has found that now my presence is annoying. He has
now admitted that for most of the years we were
together, he didn't love me, and that he wanted to leave
me and the children. He talks about suffering from bouts
of depression, but they only come on when I'm around. He
suffers from physical pains, but again, they only come
on when I'm around. He says he doesn't want to hurt me
but is unable to carry on the pretence of being a happy
couple.
He wants to get a job in another country (I am not
included in this project) and hopes that the last few
years of his working life give him job satisfaction
(this seems to be a major priority for him).
During these thirty years of marriage, I had no idea
that my husband was unhappy. He is a difficult man to
live with, as his career has taken up a lot of space in
our marriage. I can now see that he may have been using
his obsessive working as a cover for avoiding family
life.
He doesn't talk readily to me, saying that I'm a poor
listener and keep interrupting. His inability to
communicate with me is clearly a major problem, although
he has says that he has found female friends with whom
he loves to talk (but I doubt that he is discussing
emotional issues). The only indication that something
may have been wrong in our couple, has been his
inability to help me through moments of emotional
crisis. He has always turned his back and allowed me to
deal with the situation. I harbour great resentment over
this. Right now, I am suffering terribly. He is able to
offer me a silent hug, many apologies but no hope. My
husband is able to block out memories (of his childhood
he remembers very little). He almost (but not quite)
abandoned his parents, his sisters communicate with him
(rather than the other way around). If he goes to work
in another country, he will block me out. I still love
him and cannot believe that he is doing this to me. He
says he feels terrible about this (but only when I am
around).
Should I let him go, knowing that he might get the job
satisfaction he wants so badly, but knowing that he will
probably erase my memory? Should I try for counselling
when one partner has been unhappy for so many years?
What do I do in a house that was bought for a joint
future, that still needs a massive amount of work and in
which he seems to have lost interest?
ANSWERS |
"HOW DID I GET HERPES?"
I live in southern France and have two kids who are settled
in school here. My
partner and me have a good sex life or we did until I
got herpes though I
didn't know what it was until the clinic I went to in
Scotland when I went
back to visit my mum last month said that was it and I
now think he must
have been having sex with someone. We mix with English
people only as
neither of us can speak French so I am sure it must be
one of the wives. I
haven't slept with anyone else although I've had lots of
chances so what do
I do now? Please help as I am at my wits end. He says
he hasn't been
putting it about but we haven't had sex since I asked
him and he says it must
be me putting it around.
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"I THINK I MIGHT BE DRINKING TOO MUCH WINE"
Can
you help me? I am 52 and have lived in a small village
in southern France for over 6 years, having moved here from
northern England with my husband. Our two sons are now at
university in England and my husband works as a builder,
so he is out all day and comes home after 6, very tired
and wanting his meal and not wanting to talk much to me.
My problem is that I am drinking a bit too much, around
two bottles of wine a day and I start at 10 in the
morning although I don't drink much after my husband
gets home as I am scared he will find out and be angry.
He has been violent towards me in the past although he
hasn't hit me since the boys left home. I don't know
where to turn as there is no-one who speaks English in
the village and I don't speak French.
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"MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR"
Hello, I am 45 and married with two teenage children. I
have lived in France for four years and my husband has
been having an affair since we attended a party given by
another English couple in our village last year. I only
know this because I have intercepted two text messages
and have also been told about it by the other woman's
husband. Can you advise me what to do about this? Should
I confront him or leave it to run its course?
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